Kids need special care after divorce

Big Concerns
Tragically, almost half of the children in the United States will live in a single parent home for more than five years because of divorce. Divorcing parents can have a profound effect on their children and the way parents react to them is critical. Here are a few suggestions:
• Communication is key. Talk to your children about the divorce and their feelings. Children always know something is wrong before a divorce happens. Hiding it from them only creates unreal¬istic fears and stresses. Make sure the child knows the divorce is not their fault. Children often think the divorce is a result of their behavior.
• Don’t put the child in the middle of the parents’ disagree-ments. By attacking the ex-spouse, you are placing the child in a difficult emotional dilemma. The children should not have to take sides.
• Try to maintain a consistent approach to discipline. When the child is spoiled by one parent, he may feel animosity toward the other. Parents should discuss a uniform set of rules and stick to
them.
• Don’t argue in front of the children. Children are very upset to see their parents fight. If you do need to settle an argument, wait until the child is not present or is asleep.
• Don’t condemn your ex-spouse in front of the child. Children still feel love for that person. By devaluing the other parent, you may inadvertently be devaluing the child, too.
• Explain to the child that divorce is final. Many times chil¬dren will maintain an unrealistic hope that some day their parents might still get back together. By explaining to the child that the divorce is final, you allow him to deal with his feelings and move on with life.
• Do not be afraid to seek professional help. If your child is having difficulty adjusting to the divorce and you are unable to help, contact your doctor or psychologist. The faster you deal with a problem the more likely it may be over¬come.

Daniel H. Moss
(248) 855-5656

by Barbara Talbot, Ph.D.

Divorce involves many losses: the relationship, material possessions, family, friends, and social status. These must be grieved. There are three possible scenarios: a mutual decision, the wife initiates the divorce, or the husband initiates it. Very often the one who initiates the divorce seems to be handling the divorce process better and functioning with less difficulty than their spouse. This actually is not the case. The person who finally begins divorce proceedings does so after having thought about it for some time, and therefore has already done some preliminary grieving. Thus he or she is just further along in the process than the partner. Studies show that, in the long run, both people experience an equal amount of distress.

The grieving process in divorce is similar to mourning a death. Although divorce does not involve the physical death of a person, it is a death of a relationship, and must be mourned in a similar fashion. Social scientists define five tasks of mourning, and these can be extended to divorce.

Accepting the Reality of the Loss

Some people deny the actual loss itself. I.e., "We'll get back together," 'This is only temporary," etc. Others deny the meaning of the loss. In this way the loss is seen as less significant than it actually is. E.g., "The marriage was lousy," "I'm glad to be free of him or her," and so on. While there may be some truth in these statements, the reality is that even if it wasn't a satisfying relationship, it still is a loss. Another way to deny the loss and not deal with the grief is to focus on something in an all-encompassing way. This might be work, or one might perhaps become heavily involved in another relationship.

Experiencing the Pain of the Feelings

The individual must acknowledge and work through these feelings if he or she is to be done with them. Time alone does not heal all wounds.

Sadness. This is the most common and universal response to loss of any kind. It may manifest itself in crying, not having energy, lack of interest in work or hobbies, social withdrawal, and feelings of loneliness and emptiness.

Anger. With the loss of any important person, there is a tendency to regress, to feel helpless, to feel unable to exist without the person, and to experience anxiety. A common reaction is to be angry at the person for making you feel this way. In addition, one will be angry at the spouse as a reaction to his or her hostile, hurtful, or inappropriate behavior.

Fear. The divorced are afraid of being alone, and of not being able to find another mate. As they think about the truly negative and unsatisfying aspects of their previous relationship, they fear thaT they will never be able to find a gratifying one. They also fear growing old and being alone.

Guilt. A person feels guilty for causing the end of the relationship, and becomes self-reproachful and self-critical. "It's all my fault." "If I hadn't been such a nag, he or she never would have left." Often these tendencies are played upon by the ex-spouse as a way of avoiding their own feelings of guilt.

Adjusting to a Change in Environment

The divorced person is no longer part of a couple, and must change his or her mindset from "we" to "me". He or she must develop new skills and take on roles that formerly were performed by the partner. Often fear and resentment are associated with this. Adjusting to an environment in which the ex-spouse is not an integral part can be taxing and difficult. However it also is an opportunity for growth.

Shifting Emotional Energy

The grieving person has to withdraw emotional energy and reinvest it in another relationship. The essence of this is to detach, and not to hang onto the connection, either through hope of reconciliation, or bitterness and anger. This shift is important because, as long as one is emotionally attached to the former partner, one cannot establish a new love relationship.

Monitoring "Self Talk"

The critical difference between people who adjust well to a divorce and those who don't, lies in how they process what happens. They understand that they may not be able to control the events which caused the divorce, but they can control how the events affect them. What they tell themselves about the event determines the feelings that they have. People can look at an event negatively or more positively.

Loss of partner. "I've lost the only person I'll ever love." That's just not true. Human beings have the capacity to love many people in the course of a lifetime, although it may be true that one can never love two people in an identical way. It may be more accurate to tell oneself "I know I have the capacity to love another person."

Loss of self esteem. "I failed in my marriage". No one person can ruin a marriage without the cooperation of the other party. One should recognize the mistakes he or she made, learn from them, and forgive oneself and the spouse. (One doesn't have to agree with what the spouse did. But there is a need to let go of the anger so that it stops hurting oneself and using up energy needed for other things.) Instead of talking about one's presumed failure, one should say: "I understand myself better now, and know what I want out of a relationship:'

Loss of friends. "Nobody invites me over anymore. It must mean that they really liked only my partner and I was just along for the ride" The grieving person needs to recognize that there are many reasons why people don't invite him or her over. They don't know if the grieving person feels up to it. They feel that they have to choose between one person and the spouse. They feel awkward about what to say or do. There is a need to talk to each of the old friends about these things, pointing out that you are the same person that you always have been, and that you are interested in maintaining the relationship. True friendships will survive. The positive viewpoint: "This is a unique opportunity to find out who my real friends are."

Loss of money and prestige. "Now that I'm divorced, I have less money, more bills, and not as nice a house." Unfortunately that's probably true. However, are money and social status more important than happiness and personal integrity? If one stays in a marriage for purely financial reasons, isn't he or she selling oneself? How much is your happiness worth to you? Can a fine house compensate for being miserable in it? The message to oneself needs to be "What I've lost in material goods, I can more than make up for in personal satisfaction and well-being."

"Loss" of children. It is impossible to lose one's children unless a person gives up on having a real relationship with them, Quality of time together is more significant than the quantity of time spent together. Many divorced parents actually spend more alone time with their children than do parents in intact homes, The correct message to oneself should be: "My relationship with my children has changed, and we must adjust to that in a way that will foster closeness rather than distance."

Concluding Observations

One should recognize that divorce is a grievous loss, and respond appropriately. A person would not begin dating right after the funeral service of a spouse. Therefore a divorcing individual should take the time to go through the grief process. One probably should not get into another serious relationship for at least a year.

The divorced person needs to have realistic expectations. This includes recognizing that one's life will change, and that superficial relationships will often be lost. It is useful if one does not take these matters personally, and if one sees them, not just as crises, but as opportunities.

by Robert E. Lee, PhD., A.B.P.R.

"Telling the children" is not a single event. It is an arduous process, involving information, abreaction, and nurture that may and should extend over a substantial period of time. However even though it is a central part of the supportive role of the parents, many divorcing adults understandably may wish to avoid it. They are aware that their children will be frightened and angry at the same time that they themselves are feeling buffered by their ordeal. So they are reticent to open up one more complex problem area; one more painful thing with which they as parents must cope at this stressful time. Nevertheless, it is very important that the children be informed completely and be given opportunity to fully express their own concerns and feelings. The end result is for the child to both understand and adapt to the subsequent changes in his or her life.

When Do You Tell the Children?

Because they recognize how upsetting their divorce will be on the children, many parents wonder if there is a "best time" to get a divorce - a certain age at which children can best handle the situation. Unfortunately, age of the child at the time of divorce doesn't determine the child's long-term adjustment. However, age does determine the shape of the initial response to the news, the average duration of that response, and perhaps what aspects of the divorce are most relevant to that child. Therefore, the age of the child should be considered in providing the appropriate explanation of the parental decision, in taking care of the child emotionally and establishing the appropriate post-divorce family arrangements.

Of course, because the children will be so upset, it is prudent to be certain that the decision to divorce is firmly established before anything is said to the children. Beyond that, the state of the parents may be the most important thing. When they tell the children, the parents need to be ready to provide appropriate supports for the children and to make and carry out plans. Standing in the way of this is the diminished parenting that occurs because one or both adults are devastated by grief, anger and worry, preoccupied with their own problems, and spread thin by unshared responsibilities.

What Do you Tell the Children?

It is important to keep the children out of the marital battle. However there also is an important link between the child's success in coping and his or her capacity to understand the divorce and make good sense out of the sequence of disruptive events in the family. The children need to feel that the parents have a rational direction and are not driven by impulse or hatred. The child does best when the child understands the divorce as a carefully thought out solution to an important problem, and it looks like it in fact will bring relief and a happier outcome to one or both parents. Since the children are afraid, two additional things are necessary: an adequate explanation of what is going on, and assurance of continuing care. The child needs to know what the divorce is about and how he or she will be affected. That is, where the family will live, what plans are being made for them to continue to see both parents, and all the many details of life which the children are concerned about, are of significance to them, or have implications for them. The youngest children, especially, need to know that the custodial parent is going to be sound (that is, capable of taking care of the child). In addition, all children can benefit if the parents believe that the divorce is a family crisis, to be solved by the family.

The Children's Immediate Reaction to the News

The first thing to recognize is that the reality and reactions of the children may not be those of the adults. Secondly they will not get over matters quickly and easily. Children have a common immediate reaction to the news: No matter how much they "should have expected it," they are shocked. This is because marriages that have been unhappy for the adults have been reasonably comfortable, even gratifying, for the children. Solid parenting can, and often does, go on within a very deprived and unhappy marriage. Parents who don't love each other nevertheless love their children deeply, and often the parent-child relationship compensates for what is not found in the marriage. Consequently many children may not be that concerned about their parents' marital unhappiness, and in fact few children concur with their parents' decision to divorce.

Although each child feels uniquely burdened, certain things are common to all of them. They're scared, worried and angry. They experience a heightened sense of their own vulnerability ("Who will feed and protect me? Now and in the future?") They worry who will be the custodial parent, and whether he or she will be "all right" (that is, be able to take care of the child). They also worry over the parent who will be leaving ("Who will cook for him?"), and whether they will ever see him or her again. Finally they are angry. They resent the powerful and apparently selfish adults destroying their home.

Besides these common reactions, each child's personal response will be a product of that child's personality and his or her age. The age of the child governs the child's need for the parents, perception of the stress, ability to understand, and coping strategies.

"Telling the child" has the best results when it is undertaken thoughtfully by parents who have recognized and thought through the expectable psychological, social and logistic consequences for themselves and for the children, and who have the interest, talent, time, and energy to provide comfort and appropriate understanding to the children - for as long as it takes.

References

Esber, F. 0. (1974) Divorce: The new freedom. New York: Harper and Row.

Nichols, W. C. (1984) Therapeutic needs of children in family system reorganization. Journal of Divorce, 7 (4) 23-44.

Wallerstein, J. S., and Kelly, A. 8. (1980) Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce New York: Basic Books.