DMossLaw.com Articles

ATTORNEYS FOR ONLY WOMEN? ONLY MEN?

noreply@blogger.com (Daniel Moss) — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 20:44:00 +0000

We've all heard of various organizations or law firms which claim to "specialize" in representing women or men in divorce cases. They go by names or acronyms like "Law Firm of Veronica," or "ALAN," or "DIANE."

In fact, they are a marketing device to solicit a particular niche of clients. When you call, you you don't speak to "Veronica", "Alan" or "Diane." You are referred to any number of different legal or paralegal personnel with varying levels of experience, depending on the size of your case.

Does the claim to represent just women or men mean that you will get better representation because of your sex? I think not. A good lawyer with compassion understands the emotional and financial needs of BOTH women and men, as well as their children.

Representing both women and men gives a lawyer well rounded insight into the law and legal strategies used both for and against each party.

When you call my office and ask for Daniel Moss, you will speak to Daniel Moss. It doesn't matter if you are a woman or a man, if your case is big or small, I will speak with you myself.

Don't be fooled by sophisticated marketing. A truly good, experienced lawyer can ably represent women or men in divorce cases.

PROPERTY SETTLEMENT - TAXES?

noreply@blogger.com (Daniel Moss) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:03:00 +0000

So, you want to sit down with your spouse and agree on how to divide your property? How do the two of you propose to divide assets such as such as cars, clothes, the home, stocks, pensions and other property? You think you are dividing everything 50-50, but are you really?

In many instances, people who think they are fairly doing their own property settlement have problems later. They think they have divided everything equally, but have done so without considering taxes. The result can turn out to be very costly for one party and a huge advantage to the other. This is because some property carries a tax liability and others do not.

One example is where one party keeps a $100,000.00 equity in the house, and the other party keeps a pension plan with the same apparent value. It both were liquidated, there would be no income tax consequence on the house, but a substantial income tax and possible penalty on the pension plan. The same might be true on the sale of a stock. When you sell a stock that has gone up in value, the gain in value would be a short term or long term taxable gain. The greater the size and complexity of the marital estate, the more likely it is that there will be tax consequences attached to the various assets.

Be sure you are getting what you think you bargained for. I advise my clients to consult a good CPA about the tax ramifications of proposed property settlements. You should consult a CPA - BEFORE you sign the agreement.

Alimony / Spousal Support Determination

noreply@blogger.com (Daniel Moss) — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 16:53:00 +0000

ALIMONY / SPOUSAL SUPPORT DETERMINATION

Daniel H. Moss
Oakland County Divorce Attorney
248-855-5656
also practicing in Wayne, Livingston and Macomb Counties
Michigan

Alimony or Spousal Support are the same thing. Spousal Support is just newer terminology. The real question is how it is determined.

In Michigan, a court will consider the following factors in deciding whether to award spousal support and how much:
- Past relationship and conduct of the parties
- Length of the marriage
- Amount and source of the property awarded to the parties
- Ages of the parties
- Ability to pay
- Present status of the parties
- Health of the parties
- Needs of the parties
- Prior standard of living of the parties
- Whether either party is responsible for the support of others
- Contribution of each party to the marital estate
- Equitable considerations.

Very generally speaking, the strongest factors are usually the length of the marriage, ability to work and the disparity in incomes. However, an extreme situation in any of the factors may be weighed more heavily.

Although there are computerized alimony guidelines available, the court is not bound to follow them, as it would be with child support guidelines. The alimony guidelines do, however, provide a general starting point for negotiations.

WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG?

noreply@blogger.com (Daniel Moss) — Mon, 26 May 2008 23:39:00 +0000

WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG?

Daniel H. Moss
Oakland County Divorce Attorney
248-855-5656
also practicing in Wayne, Livingston and Macomb Counties

Clients often ask me why it takes so long to get divorced. In Michigan and many other states, the quick answer is the statutory waitng period. The waiting period in Michigan is 180 days for a marriage with children, and 60 days where there are no children. The purpose of the waiting period is to give the parties time to cool off, so as to encourage reconciliation, more so with children.

However, many divorces take much longer than 180 days. The reasons for delay include failure of the parties to agree on issues such as spousal or child support, division of property, custody and parenting time.

Clients will suggest that, "we've agreed to divide the property 50-50." My response is 50% of what? This is a serious question, because how many stay at home moms know how much money there is and in what form the financial accounts of the family or husband are kept? How much income does he really make?

To find out what the real assets and income of the family are, lawyers must do legal discovery. Discovery consists of written requests for information or taking testimony under oath to find out "what" you are getting 50% of.

There are other forms of discovery, as well as pretrial evidentiary hearings and motions in court to find out information, to provide for interim support, payment of bills and to enforce compliance.

In cases where children are involved, the Friend of the Court schedules appearances and investigations relative to support, custody and parenting time. They may have preliminary evidentiary hearings before a Judge even hears the same issues. There may be a business to evaluate.

All of these procedures take time. Parties may have at least 28 days in some instances to answer some discovery requests. Evidentiary hearings take time to schedule and prepare for. Expert witnesses need time to investigate, prepare reports and get ready for trial, if necessary. When one of the parties or attorneys doesn't cooperate with the process, more delay occurs. This may occur as part of a strategy or for emotional reasons.

Throughout all of these proceedings, scheduling must accomodate the parties, the attorneys, witnesses and judges - all on the same day and time.

When all is said, if the parties are well informed of their income and assets, have current, written documentation and agree on custody, support and parenting time, then the case may proceed quickly through the system. When they also employ competent, honest counsel, the parties can achieve a divorce in the shortest time, with a minimum of emotional and monetary cost.

Divorce: One Attorney for Both Parties?

noreply@blogger.com (Daniel Moss) — Sat, 10 May 2008 17:12:00 +0000

DIVORCE: One Attorney for Both Parties?
Daniel H. Moss
Oakland County Divorce Attorney
248-855-5656
also practicing in Wayne, Livingston and Macomb Counties

I am often asked by my client if I can represent both the husband and the wife in a divorce case. My client will usually indicate that they and their spouse have been talking about getting divorced. They seem to have a general idea of how they want to work it out, and they want to save the added expense of using two attorneys.

The answer is that to have one attorney represent both parties in a divorce creates an inherent conflict of interest. It creates a situation where, some time in the future, one side or the other might come back and say that the attorney did not fairly advocate and represent his or her interests, and they want the settlement to be set aside.

I inform my client that although I can only represent him or her, I can prepare all of the pleadings, the property settlement and the Judgment agreed to by the parties. We can then take the proofs at court, and the parties will be divorced. However, other party must sign a provision in the Judgment that “The husband (or wife) understands that Daniel H. Moss represents only the wife (or husband) in this case, not them, and the husband (or wife) has consulted their own attorney about the matters in this case. Further, Daniel H. Moss makes no representations to the husband (or wife) about whether or not any provision in this Judgment or settlement is in their best interest.”

The above process is similar to a “Collaborative Law” process, whereby both parties use the same lawyer and experts to resolve their issues without going to court. However, in "Collaborative Law" they all sign a contract which requires the attorney and experts to withdraw from the case if either party chooses to go to court. You lose the lawyer and expert whom you’ve come to know and trust, and you must start from scratch with new professionals.

Often, after being apprised of their support and property rights, most people who thought everything was agreeable with their spouse soon realize that things were not as they seemed. Husbands tend to get upset after learning that the value of half of their pension or business is going to go to their soon to be ex-wife. Wives are sometimes surprised that they may, indeed, be entitled to spousal support, or how much or how little child support they might receive.

I believe it is best to first consult your own lawyer, learn what your rights are and what you might reasonably expect in the divorce. This is particularly important where there are substantial assets and income. Once you are aware of your rights, you will then have a pretty good idea of how sincere your spouse is in trying to amicably work things out.

Kids After Divorce

noreply@blogger.com (Daniel Moss) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 00:06:00 +0000

Kids need special care after divorce

Big Concerns
Tragically, almost half of the children in the United States will live in a single parent home for more than five years because of divorce. Divorcing parents can have a profound effect on their children and the way parents react to them is critical. Here are a few suggestions:
• Communication is key. Talk to your children about the divorce and their feelings. Children always know something is wrong before a divorce happens. Hiding it from them only creates unreal¬istic fears and stresses. Make sure the child knows the divorce is not their fault. Children often think the divorce is a result of their behavior.
• Don’t put the child in the middle of the parents’ disagree-ments. By attacking the ex-spouse, you are placing the child in a difficult emotional dilemma. The children should not have to take sides.
• Try to maintain a consistent approach to discipline. When the child is spoiled by one parent, he may feel animosity toward the other. Parents should discuss a uniform set of rules and stick to
them.
• Don’t argue in front of the children. Children are very upset to see their parents fight. If you do need to settle an argument, wait until the child is not present or is asleep.
• Don’t condemn your ex-spouse in front of the child. Children still feel love for that person. By devaluing the other parent, you may inadvertently be devaluing the child, too.
• Explain to the child that divorce is final. Many times chil¬dren will maintain an unrealistic hope that some day their parents might still get back together. By explaining to the child that the divorce is final, you allow him to deal with his feelings and move on with life.
• Do not be afraid to seek professional help. If your child is having difficulty adjusting to the divorce and you are unable to help, contact your doctor or psychologist. The faster you deal with a problem the more likely it may be over¬come.

Daniel H. Moss
(248) 855-5656

SURVIVING THE BREAKUP: DEALING WITH GRIEF

noreply@blogger.com (Daniel Moss) — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 22:35:00 +0000

by Barbara Talbot, Ph.D.

Divorce involves many losses: the relationship, material possessions, family, friends, and social status. These must be grieved. There are three possible scenarios: a mutual decision, the wife initiates the divorce, or the husband initiates it. Very often the one who initiates the divorce seems to be handling the divorce process better and functioning with less difficulty than their spouse. This actually is not the case. The person who finally begins divorce proceedings does so after having thought about it for some time, and therefore has already done some preliminary grieving. Thus he or she is just further along in the process than the partner. Studies show that, in the long run, both people experience an equal amount of distress.

The grieving process in divorce is similar to mourning a death. Although divorce does not involve the physical death of a person, it is a death of a relationship, and must be mourned in a similar fashion. Social scientists define five tasks of mourning, and these can be extended to divorce.

Accepting the Reality of the Loss

Some people deny the actual loss itself. I.e., "We'll get back together," 'This is only temporary," etc. Others deny the meaning of the loss. In this way the loss is seen as less significant than it actually is. E.g., "The marriage was lousy," "I'm glad to be free of him or her," and so on. While there may be some truth in these statements, the reality is that even if it wasn't a satisfying relationship, it still is a loss. Another way to deny the loss and not deal with the grief is to focus on something in an all-encompassing way. This might be work, or one might perhaps become heavily involved in another relationship.

Experiencing the Pain of the Feelings

The individual must acknowledge and work through these feelings if he or she is to be done with them. Time alone does not heal all wounds.

Sadness. This is the most common and universal response to loss of any kind. It may manifest itself in crying, not having energy, lack of interest in work or hobbies, social withdrawal, and feelings of loneliness and emptiness.

Anger. With the loss of any important person, there is a tendency to regress, to feel helpless, to feel unable to exist without the person, and to experience anxiety. A common reaction is to be angry at the person for making you feel this way. In addition, one will be angry at the spouse as a reaction to his or her hostile, hurtful, or inappropriate behavior.

Fear. The divorced are afraid of being alone, and of not being able to find another mate. As they think about the truly negative and unsatisfying aspects of their previous relationship, they fear thaT they will never be able to find a gratifying one. They also fear growing old and being alone.

Guilt. A person feels guilty for causing the end of the relationship, and becomes self-reproachful and self-critical. "It's all my fault." "If I hadn't been such a nag, he or she never would have left." Often these tendencies are played upon by the ex-spouse as a way of avoiding their own feelings of guilt.

Adjusting to a Change in Environment

The divorced person is no longer part of a couple, and must change his or her mindset from "we" to "me". He or she must develop new skills and take on roles that formerly were performed by the partner. Often fear and resentment are associated with this. Adjusting to an environment in which the ex-spouse is not an integral part can be taxing and difficult. However it also is an opportunity for growth.

Shifting Emotional Energy

The grieving person has to withdraw emotional energy and reinvest it in another relationship. The essence of this is to detach, and not to hang onto the connection, either through hope of reconciliation, or bitterness and anger. This shift is important because, as long as one is emotionally attached to the former partner, one cannot establish a new love relationship.

Monitoring "Self Talk"

The critical difference between people who adjust well to a divorce and those who don't, lies in how they process what happens. They understand that they may not be able to control the events which caused the divorce, but they can control how the events affect them. What they tell themselves about the event determines the feelings that they have. People can look at an event negatively or more positively.

Loss of partner. "I've lost the only person I'll ever love." That's just not true. Human beings have the capacity to love many people in the course of a lifetime, although it may be true that one can never love two people in an identical way. It may be more accurate to tell oneself "I know I have the capacity to love another person."

Loss of self esteem. "I failed in my marriage". No one person can ruin a marriage without the cooperation of the other party. One should recognize the mistakes he or she made, learn from them, and forgive oneself and the spouse. (One doesn't have to agree with what the spouse did. But there is a need to let go of the anger so that it stops hurting oneself and using up energy needed for other things.) Instead of talking about one's presumed failure, one should say: "I understand myself better now, and know what I want out of a relationship:'

Loss of friends. "Nobody invites me over anymore. It must mean that they really liked only my partner and I was just along for the ride" The grieving person needs to recognize that there are many reasons why people don't invite him or her over. They don't know if the grieving person feels up to it. They feel that they have to choose between one person and the spouse. They feel awkward about what to say or do. There is a need to talk to each of the old friends about these things, pointing out that you are the same person that you always have been, and that you are interested in maintaining the relationship. True friendships will survive. The positive viewpoint: "This is a unique opportunity to find out who my real friends are."

Loss of money and prestige. "Now that I'm divorced, I have less money, more bills, and not as nice a house." Unfortunately that's probably true. However, are money and social status more important than happiness and personal integrity? If one stays in a marriage for purely financial reasons, isn't he or she selling oneself? How much is your happiness worth to you? Can a fine house compensate for being miserable in it? The message to oneself needs to be "What I've lost in material goods, I can more than make up for in personal satisfaction and well-being."

"Loss" of children. It is impossible to lose one's children unless a person gives up on having a real relationship with them, Quality of time together is more significant than the quantity of time spent together. Many divorced parents actually spend more alone time with their children than do parents in intact homes, The correct message to oneself should be: "My relationship with my children has changed, and we must adjust to that in a way that will foster closeness rather than distance."

Concluding Observations

One should recognize that divorce is a grievous loss, and respond appropriately. A person would not begin dating right after the funeral service of a spouse. Therefore a divorcing individual should take the time to go through the grief process. One probably should not get into another serious relationship for at least a year.

The divorced person needs to have realistic expectations. This includes recognizing that one's life will change, and that superficial relationships will often be lost. It is useful if one does not take these matters personally, and if one sees them, not just as crises, but as opportunities.

THE DECISION TO DIVORCE: TELLING THE CHILDREN

noreply@blogger.com (Daniel Moss) — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 22:30:00 +0000

by Robert E. Lee, PhD., A.B.P.R.

"Telling the children" is not a single event. It is an arduous process, involving information, abreaction, and nurture that may and should extend over a substantial period of time. However even though it is a central part of the supportive role of the parents, many divorcing adults understandably may wish to avoid it. They are aware that their children will be frightened and angry at the same time that they themselves are feeling buffered by their ordeal. So they are reticent to open up one more complex problem area; one more painful thing with which they as parents must cope at this stressful time. Nevertheless, it is very important that the children be informed completely and be given opportunity to fully express their own concerns and feelings. The end result is for the child to both understand and adapt to the subsequent changes in his or her life.

When Do You Tell the Children?

Because they recognize how upsetting their divorce will be on the children, many parents wonder if there is a "best time" to get a divorce - a certain age at which children can best handle the situation. Unfortunately, age of the child at the time of divorce doesn't determine the child's long-term adjustment. However, age does determine the shape of the initial response to the news, the average duration of that response, and perhaps what aspects of the divorce are most relevant to that child. Therefore, the age of the child should be considered in providing the appropriate explanation of the parental decision, in taking care of the child emotionally and establishing the appropriate post-divorce family arrangements.

Of course, because the children will be so upset, it is prudent to be certain that the decision to divorce is firmly established before anything is said to the children. Beyond that, the state of the parents may be the most important thing. When they tell the children, the parents need to be ready to provide appropriate supports for the children and to make and carry out plans. Standing in the way of this is the diminished parenting that occurs because one or both adults are devastated by grief, anger and worry, preoccupied with their own problems, and spread thin by unshared responsibilities.

What Do you Tell the Children?

It is important to keep the children out of the marital battle. However there also is an important link between the child's success in coping and his or her capacity to understand the divorce and make good sense out of the sequence of disruptive events in the family. The children need to feel that the parents have a rational direction and are not driven by impulse or hatred. The child does best when the child understands the divorce as a carefully thought out solution to an important problem, and it looks like it in fact will bring relief and a happier outcome to one or both parents. Since the children are afraid, two additional things are necessary: an adequate explanation of what is going on, and assurance of continuing care. The child needs to know what the divorce is about and how he or she will be affected. That is, where the family will live, what plans are being made for them to continue to see both parents, and all the many details of life which the children are concerned about, are of significance to them, or have implications for them. The youngest children, especially, need to know that the custodial parent is going to be sound (that is, capable of taking care of the child). In addition, all children can benefit if the parents believe that the divorce is a family crisis, to be solved by the family.

The Children's Immediate Reaction to the News

The first thing to recognize is that the reality and reactions of the children may not be those of the adults. Secondly they will not get over matters quickly and easily. Children have a common immediate reaction to the news: No matter how much they "should have expected it," they are shocked. This is because marriages that have been unhappy for the adults have been reasonably comfortable, even gratifying, for the children. Solid parenting can, and often does, go on within a very deprived and unhappy marriage. Parents who don't love each other nevertheless love their children deeply, and often the parent-child relationship compensates for what is not found in the marriage. Consequently many children may not be that concerned about their parents' marital unhappiness, and in fact few children concur with their parents' decision to divorce.

Although each child feels uniquely burdened, certain things are common to all of them. They're scared, worried and angry. They experience a heightened sense of their own vulnerability ("Who will feed and protect me? Now and in the future?") They worry who will be the custodial parent, and whether he or she will be "all right" (that is, be able to take care of the child). They also worry over the parent who will be leaving ("Who will cook for him?"), and whether they will ever see him or her again. Finally they are angry. They resent the powerful and apparently selfish adults destroying their home.

Besides these common reactions, each child's personal response will be a product of that child's personality and his or her age. The age of the child governs the child's need for the parents, perception of the stress, ability to understand, and coping strategies.

"Telling the child" has the best results when it is undertaken thoughtfully by parents who have recognized and thought through the expectable psychological, social and logistic consequences for themselves and for the children, and who have the interest, talent, time, and energy to provide comfort and appropriate understanding to the children - for as long as it takes.

References

Esber, F. 0. (1974) Divorce: The new freedom. New York: Harper and Row.

Nichols, W. C. (1984) Therapeutic needs of children in family system reorganization. Journal of Divorce, 7 (4) 23-44.

Wallerstein, J. S., and Kelly, A. 8. (1980) Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce New York: Basic Books.

MEN AND DIVORCE

noreply@blogger.com (Daniel Moss) — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 20:49:00 +0000

by Robert Pasick, Ph.D.

Most men think of the word "loss" in terms of losing a contest. It is not surprising they regard divorce in a similar way - as a win-lose proposition based on a competitive struggle between two warring parties. With this perspective they handle the divorce as if it were a very rough game, in which the toughest and most tenacious will "win." To these men it is unfortunate that people get hurt in the scuffle, but they see this is an inevitable consequence of the divorce process.

Yet the loss of divorce does not have to be perceived as a competition with "winners" and "losers". In many ways it is more like a death in the family, a difficult and sometimes inevitable part of life. From this perspective both parties can be accurately seen as suffering a painful loss, but one which can eventually lead to personal growth and increased happiness if they are able to handle it maturely and cooperatively.

Unfortunately, the masculine code most men learn growing up (see Meth and Pasick, In Press) is an inadequate guide for handling a divorce. The rules of masculine behavior can impede a man's progress in recovering from a divorce in several ways:

1. Males are taught the importance of being in control of every situation, yet divorce almost always denies both parties complete mastery over their lives. These feelings may be heightened if the wife initiates the divorce. Regardless, a man usually experiences such strong reactions from his wife, children, family and friends that he has lost the upper ‘hand’.

2. Males work hard to conceal their feelings, yet emotions are very intense during divorce, often including grief, shame, helplessness, disbelief, anger, betrayal, and loneliness. Inundated by such strong emotions during a divorce, many men are ill-prepared to cope with the out-pouring. Some have difficulty recognizing the emotions; those who can may feel ashamed because of them. Few are able to express their feelings to others.

3. The "masculine code" admonishes men to handle problems by themselves, yet during divorce they invariably need help. They require the services of a lawyer, and also may be advised to seek counseling during the divorce process. For most men, therapy clashes with the credo of masculine autonomy. A "real man" is supposed to be self-reliant and invulnerable, while therapy is perceived as an admission that he cannot handle all his problems independently Even without professional therapy, most men find it difficult to talk to their friends or family about their pain during a divorce.

The implications of Divorce for Men

Divorce usually results in more and deeper problems than most men initially expect. The fact that he has lost his wife is immediately obvious, but the unexpected ramifications of the loss occur more gradually and painfully. These frequently include:

Loss of friends. The wife is often the social director of the family. Because she arranges their social life, it is often her friends with whom they spend the most time. Furthermore many men consider their wives their best friend, because they do not have close friends they can confide in.

Their next-best friend may be a long-lost high school buddy or a coworker, with whom it is difficult to discuss extremely personal matters. For these reasons men often feel isolated during a divorce.

Loss of extended family contact. Unlike the stereotypes, many men are close to their in-laws, but they too may be lost to him during a divorce. Even his own extended family may not be immediately helpful if the man grew distant from them after getting married.

Loss of job advancement. If an ex-husband wants to remain close with his children, he may have to reduce his work load to spend more time with his kids. Even if his supervisors are sympathetic to his predicament it may result in losing promotions and raises. This is especially difficult for men who equate career success with their self-esteem, and many do.

Loss of home and lifestyle. It is most frequently the husband who must leave the family home for an apartment. This can be disorienting and depressing, especially when stability is essential to overcome the grief of the divorce.

Loss of children. This loss, which is covered extensively elsewhere in this publication, can be the most devastating change divorce brings. Even when he wants to see his children and his ex-wife agrees, he may have difficulty with the kids because he has not learned the skills necessary for successful parenting.

Loss of self-esteem. During the divorce men often have little self-regard, which may be more acute if his wife initiated the proceedings. He may feel worthless, unloved, and even unlovable. Physical ailments often accompany such moods, including loss of appetite, sleeplessness, difficulty breathing, and random pains. This viscous cycle can further reduce his feelings of self-worth.

Myths About Newly Single Men

Though a man going through divorce often experiences deeper pain than ever before, American society harbors many stereotypes about the recently divorced man, such as: He relishes his freedom to date as many women as he wants, and may have had a mistress before the divorce; He is stronger financially while his wife suffers; He now is free of all responsibility; He probably will grow distant from his children. However widespread these misconceptions may be, the divorced man's experience is often severely at odds with these notions. Contrary to the image of the free-wheeling bachelor, it is far more common for him to simply feel confused, scared and lonely.

Some Guidelines for Divorcing Men

The literature about divorce and men contains many important strategies for helping men handle divorce effectively. Some of the best suggestions follow.

1. Don't ignore or deny your feelings. Assuring yourself and others that you're doing just fine may preserve your male image, but you are doing yourself a grave disservice. Emotions this intense will find a release whether you allow one or not. Better to confront them honestly as they arise. Allow yourself to cry.

2. Talk, talk, talk. Despite what the masculine code mandates, it is vital that divorced men do not stifle their feelings. Find people who are willing to listen and tell them how you are feeling. Men who have recently been through a divorce may be particularly helpful.

3. Though you may be angry with your ex-wife, it is important to focus on your feelings, not your ex-wife's shortcomings, in your discussions and thoughts. It is especially important to refrain from bad-mouthing your ex-wife in front of your children, which is not only counter-productive for you, it places them in an extremely difficult position. Further, it may engender lifelong resentment.

4. Rely on your friends and family for support, both emotionally and with the new demands on your time.

5. Join a support group, either through a therapist or through the local community. Some newspapers list these.

6. Write down your feelings, in a journal or in letters. (You don't necessarily have to mail them.)

7. Keep busy. Learn something new, return to an old hobby, exercise. However, be careful not to become a workaholic. Such an obsession can be almost as destructive as chemical addiction.

8. Take good care of yourself. You now have to depend on you. Don't let your health deteriorate by eating poorly, drinking excessively or drug use. Your health has a direct impact on your emotional strength.

9. Learn to live one day at a time. Re-establish structure and routine in your life. Remember that it is not possible to solve all your problems immediately.

10. Try to develop a positive perspective. View divorce as a chance to start over. For most people the recovery process takes about two years, after which they feel better.

ALIMONY, CHILD SUPPORT & WELL BEING OF CHILDREN

noreply@blogger.com (Daniel Moss) — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 23:38:00 +0000

by Daniel H. Moss, an Oakland County Divoce Attorney

In divorce cases, most marriages fall into one of several categories:

-Children or no children,
-Short term marriages (1 to 6-7 years),
-Medium term (8 to 18 years)
-Long term (20 years or more).

Without children, alimony is rarely granted in short term marriages. In medium length marriages it may be granted if necessary for vocational rehabilitation. Alimony is usually granted in long-term marriages.

Some of the more important factors in awarding alimony include: the length of the marriage, the ability of the wife to support herself, the needs and station in life, whether there are children to support, the ability of the husband to pay, etc.

The usual justification for alimony involves the mother being the primary caretaker of the children and the home, thereby foregoing a career and marketable skills. The burden of reeducation should not be the responsibility of the state, but shared by the husband who benefited from the wife's caretaker chores.

The children should also be able to secure a comparable standard of living to which they have become accustomed, rather than being envious, deprived members of society.

Children are the most important part of the divorce equation. The state's interest in family matters centers upon enforcement of child/spousal support matters. If the primary support provider is lost, and the mother is not reeducated to take up some of the deficit, the family will become socially handicapped and welfare dependent.

The single most difficult and important thing divorcing parents can do for their children is to get along, both economically and as parents. The statistics are clear that children of acrimonious divorces are more likely to end up as delinquents, alcoholics, drug addicts and/or criminals.

Fathers should understand that their financial sacrifices for their children don't end with divorce. Mothers should recognize that divorced fathers need to spend as much time as possible with their children, both for the sake of the children and to make their emotional and financial burdens more bearable.

Attorneys, judges and friend of the court personnel should continue working on ways to educate the public to these precepts. Counseling, even at public expense, should be ordered in severe cases.